I woke up this morning with a cold and recovering from a strange and horrific dream. I thought about the people in my past, especially those surrounding my childhood and I felt really horrible. I kept thinking about all my wrong doings, and how I wish I could have made it right, but you really can't, can you? So, a part of me was dreading to this make this Mother's Day call.
The irony of this day is that I wasn't able to say all I wanted to say to my own mother, so I'm writing this and putting it out there for the world to know. Today was indeed a bittersweet day for me. I made several attempts to call my mom to tell her that I love her and that I wished her a Happy Mother's Day, and when I finally got through to her all I got was this odd tension on the other end, so I just politely said Happy Mother's Day, made small insignificant chit chat, and I ended the call short. I actually thought to myself earlier that I shouldn't bother to call her, as she's always moaning to me about how expensive International calls could be, but I felt compelled to still make the call. What I wanted to tell her was how much I loved her. We never told each other that, and I wish we could. Love is an interesting thing between my mother and I. In theory, I know she loves me and I hope she knows that I love her too, but we have a strange relationship to say the least.
I hold onto some memories of my mother, both good and bad, but she's still my mother and I feel so much love and sympathy for her. As I get older, the resentment starts to subside, and I do feel that quiet bond between us. She's not very affectionate, but somehow I know she loves me.
Memories are all I have to base my love on. Such as the time when I was little and I woke up in the middle of the night and I told her that I was hungry. She brought me two fried eggs and a dollop of rice, and I remember thinking that it was the best meal I ever had. In fact, when I feel like I need some type of comfort food, I fry eggs and eat it with rice. It's strange how I relive that comforting moment with her into my adulthood. Or the time when I was living in the streets as a teenager, and she found a way to leave me some money at this shop that she knew I would be at. She always found her way of showing me she loved me, no matter how unconventional it was. Every good moment is followed by a bad one, but I fight everyday to remember just the good ones, because after all, love is about forgiveness isn't' it?
This woman that taught me about sacrifice, hard work, and frankly taught me how to live each day and fight for what you love, no matter how hard it seems. Happy Mother's Day mom. Even though, I know you'll never read this. I do love you even if I can't find the courage to tell you.